Saturday, 31 January 2009

Singing in the rain..ok, just in the shower

Its saturday evening and nostalgia is loitering my thoughts. Have been playing this song( see below) on my ipod on repeat. I love miss keys...she is just awesome. This song just takes me back...all the silly things i did in the name of love. All the things he said and never did. His words to me were as heavy as the roots of an oak tree, meandering all over my heart. I loved him. Trusted him. If a man only has his words then he would be speechless...i stole this quote, always wanted to use it. Still have unanswered questions but its not everything that we can decipher, some things are better left unknown.

Falling in love is beautiful but falling out of love is heartwrenching, its like life stops and you walk in a vacuum. Its like walking on glass.

Time however is like grand never rushes you, it tends too your wounds, feeds you nice hot pepper soup, gives you cold fanta to drink on a hot day and lets you listen to all the love songs to your hands content. One day you wake fine day, unsuspectedly, you wake up to no more tears. That is when healing commences.

Miss keys echoes my thoughts very well

Sing along and belt it out, it sounds even better in the shower. See link below..i even gave you lyrics.

He broke my heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Monday, 26 January 2009

No two mondays are ever the same

Today i got the train to work with a very positive message ringing in my ear. I had just read a book about female empowerment and how to generally be a better homo sapien. All the ladies in the book are as hot as hot cakes and are earning loads of money and men are just falling at their feet..according to the book, one must exuberate a positive image, look sizzling hot, talk clearly and in a lady like raising voice at bus driver because the oyster card is broken and he's blaming you. The book is very good...i learnt a few things. I decided to give it a try. Perhaps this is why I am single…I concluded…where was this book all my life? It even had prayer pages…bonus points. So off i went this morning as bright as zillion carat diamond ring with my positive vibes. I smiled so widely at the bus driver he looked freaked out.

Even the sardine style tube ride didn’t damper my mood. I entered the was so packed i could hear 2 heart mine of course and the other belonged to a rather sweet looking Chinese woman, who for some reason was clutching her bag as if she will go into flight mode as soon as the tube doors opened. Anyway, i was in the middle of practicing my positive vibes when i felt a hand on my first i thought, girl stop imagining things. Then the hand cupped a cheek...i moved my hand to touch the hand assaulting me and held a wrist. Then i turned around. He tried to pull away, but ooh no...he started this shit and so he will finish it...i turn around and face him. His wrist between my fingers and me just an eyelash away from him.

Me: Having a good time?
Him: Am sorry. Its really tight in here, didn't mean it
Me: Oh really. It must be a medical condition then
Me: you cupped my ass..was that a mistake?
Him: *very quiet*

By now everyone in the carriageway is looking at us. The chinese woman has managed to move all the way down to the middle of the tube. How? ,i don't know. The chinese are a very talented race, i will leave it at that. My positive glow is visibly dimming now, am not happy. Smoke is coming from my ears…I am even scaring myself. I back off.

The tube doors open, he gets off, i get off and we both move towards the exit. As i walk on, really pissed ,someone grabs my arm. Its him.

Me: What do you want?
Him: Am really sorry,
Me: You’re a pervert
Him: Am sorry, it really was a mistake, i didn't do it on purpose
Me: I swear if you say that again i will bury my heels in your chest.…*i regret saying this immediately, this is breaking the being a lady rule*
Him: *Steps back*
Him: Sorry again miss but am not a pervert...carriage was just tight and i touched you accidentally

He looks so remorseful i feel like a complete bitch.

Me: worries
Him: ok..
Me: sorry about the high heel in the chest comment
Him: Its ok, actually very funny *he's smiling*
Him: Bye then, have a good day, *smiling really widely now*
Me: Bye *feel like Cruela the witch*

With that he walks off

I ended up feeling really bad about the whole thing... i mean maybe he didn't mean it..still trying to figure out how his fists wrappped around my ass. Told my male friend "J" about it and he almost spat his coffee out at me...he thinks its hilarious. He says perhaps the "incident" was a mistake. I don't know how?...he cupped my bum does someone accidentally cups another persons bum cheek by mistake? I mean stroke yes..maybe even an accidental slap...but a whole fistfull cupping.? If i went up to him and pulled his testicles and declared "mistake" who will believe me?

Oh well..that’s what happens when you walk around in london surrounded by positive vibes. Tomorrow morning i am back to my miserable old commuter mode with ipod in tow.

Thursday, 22 January 2009

When i lay at night...all these things come along

I went to bed last night thinking of a multitude of things and playing out scenes in my head. I do that a lot...roll out a whole theatre well rehearse play of a show spectacle. I dramatise it..some times i roll in a bit of old Shakespearean English to complete. I am much of a escaptionist, I hate confrontations unless they are in my head. So anyway, back to my thought. Its been almost one whole year no sex and my loins are really starting to burn a hole in my lacy pants ( i have a thing for nice underwear, buy a matching set every month, sometimes two or three). Ooh as i was saying, my loins need putting out and i can't just jump any hapless man like a hyena on heat, i might injure him or myself for that matter. Need to do something about it because its affecting my work. Yesterday while in a meeting with some colleagues about the risk assessment of some project of some sort, i really wasn't listening, went only because i was volunteered in my absence and there was a free cake trolley. While unashamedly stuffing my face with cream cakes i kept staring at all the men's crotches..bad form i know but no bulges in sight...conculsion..all the men in the risk assessment team have small willies..oh well, at least they get paid very well, i mean, imagine you being in possession of a tiny ornament called penis and you have no money to add insult to injury.

After work i went to the cinema on my own...the ticket girl..with lots of zits on her forehead kept giving me "i pity you smile" all through out. I decided to freak her out by staring at her without blinking, she soon dropped that stupid smile and wouldn't even look at me as i collected my tickets..i purposely let my hand go over hers for dramatic effect..she flinched. I did my joker laugh in my head and went to watch my movie.

Got home and watched gossip girl..god i hate myself for even typing this, i know..i watch that mind draining show..its like admitting to fancying Ozzy Osbourne but they wear such pretty dresses and i am a girl after all, we have been known to sell our bodies and souls for shoes and handbags. Lucifer doesn't even have to use sex to get us...a nice pair of patent killer jimmy shoes and Gucci hand bag..the bigger the better gets us in that train down town to the nice warmth of the underworld.

I got into bed naked under my sheet...not by choice, had no clean nightwear. Insomnia set in and i decided to call my brother in the states knowing fully well he was asleep. He picked up the phone and grunted at me to stop calling him at 3am in the morning. I told him i was pregnant and didn't know who the father was. I am not, i just wanted to wake him up. He went quiet for a few seconds and said "you're so fucked, mum will incinerate your ass"!! With him woken up, we spoke for 20 minutes about his girlfriend..the one he wants to get rid of but is too skurred!! coward. Actually i shouldn't be too hard on him..she is VERY scary, i met her last Christmas and she has this permanent eerie smile constantly..even when we watched gone with the wind...everyone cries after gone with the wind. Anyway his there he must sleep.

My brother stipulated...yep, that's the word he used..little shyte! He stipulated that i must get a man this year, as if they sell them on strings at reduced prices in sainsbury's. I told him to get off my case, he insisted..his word again...he can be a cock too, anyways he says i must address the issue or i will end up alone a spinster with my cats. I don't have cats, although i am thinking of getting one...i told him before i get a boyfriend i must get laid first, then i will be ready

He told me to get off his phone...i did but not before i told him that his girlfriend had emailed me wedding gown pictures!!! hahahahah.

So back to my initial midnight thoughts...what i was thinking of was how much i would love to have been cuddled right there and then. I fell asleep and woke up dreaming of being chased by cats the size of ponies. Go figure.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

New doors to revolve around

I am really puzzled at the behaviour of people. Ofcourse we all put labels on individuals we meet with regards to the way they treat us and sometimes simple intuition does this for us. I always thought i was good at intuition but some people come disguised.

After a really bad relationship, one that almost stripped me of my own identity, i am trying to understand why i behaved the way i did. I cannot comprehend how blind, stupid and just plain on naive i that i have healed....yes i have i just can't believe what i went through...and it was all avoidable. All i had to do was leave. Love make one do crazy things...that's the only way i can explain it. However every lesson is a blessing, i now know what i don't want in a man. He came into my life for a purpose i suppose and had to go when that was fulfilled. I am grateful that period of my life is gone and lessons have been learnt. Life is truly ironic.

I have put my demons to rest, actually I've caged them and thrown away the key but the memories remain. I must say through all of this i found GOD. He made it possible for me to see smiles instead of frowns, i with his grace lifted my self off the hole i was starting to get attached to. Now i feel like i can begin again but i don't know how.

So here i am, with a blank slate and a huge black marker.

Friday, 16 January 2009

Here comes the voice

My first entry. When i opened this blog, a few minutes ago i realised...this is it, its all coming out. I am very bad at talking about my emotions. I can't seem to form the sentences to divulge what is within, or maybe that's a lie. My problem is actually physically narrating it to someone else. I don't like being vulnerable, i envy people who can because some times i feel my purging because of all i have within me. I am going to ve brutally honest about me and what ever it is i will write here. Apparently, the truth can set one free, i am willing to give that a go.