Sunday, 5 July 2009

Knock knock..who is it?

Hi peeps

I know, its disgusting. I have abandoned this blog for so long i forgot the password to enter, took me umpteenth tries before blogger will allow me enter. How is everyone doing?

Well life has been a whirl wind, trashing me about like a rag doll but i am still wearing my heels in defiance, i will go down in my high heels if needs must.

I still have a job-thank you lord cause this economic climate is so scary, many have fallen so i thank God for his mercy

I have lost weight-without even dieting!! Miracle

I am still single- although there is male attention,they are all either:

Married-and bare face lying that they are not. In my world no married man will visit pussy vile. However this certain married man will not listen to the voice of reason. He swore on the bible (God please send down bolts of lightening) and said he is not married. I know his friends, they confirm he is married, the guy is still protesting. Last week he called me over 28 times back to back, i got scared. Called my friend, she called his brother, he called him. The calls stopped. This week they have started again, last night he almost cried on the phone. This is a grown ass man with children! CHINEKE SAVE ME. I threatened to tell his pastor. He's promise to not contact me again. He says he is innocent and i have been unfair. I told him pele, life is a bitch sometimes. It will be well.

Are single but want to take things till something works out-god forbid bad thing, you don't know what you want, a grown man? This one i just blocked from all angles, told him i am out of the country lol!! hope i don't bump into him anywhere.

A Player: Player is a friends brother, i don't do players, had my heart broken too many times, its not worth it so i have a discriminatory clause. However, the guy will not let me rest. Last month he bought me a pair of very lush shoes, this month he bought me an iphone and the most gorgeous Fendi bag i've ever seen, i think its been woven by elves, its so pretty. I told him i can't accept them, he said he can't take them back, they are gifts. So matters are out of my hand, i have to keep them!!! muahahahahah

Home life
My flat mate drives me up the wall, i may need the services of Hannibal lecter, she should be consumed! The issue is this, the babe wants to marry by hook or by crook. However, there is no man, so how is marriage going to be possible. Abi she will spirit the "husband" out of thin air?. She has under gone bouts of depression, self pity, anger, anguish. I don't know what else but still she soldiers on, i must take a leaf out of her book because the girl is dedicated. Although slightly obsessed.

I understand the dark place she is in because to be honest, most people want to get settled and marry and have kids. I say most because some obviously don't e.g hermits. You never hear a hermit saying, i need to get laid. They don't need that human contact, its us mere mortals that go gaga if we are devoid of such emotions, so i get her. My problem is that i need to get laid first before my ovaries explode.

I came very close to doing the deed to a certain man but in my defence, i was drunk, and to his defence he was drunk and condomless. So he did what any decent man will do and went down south. I did what any drunk woman will do and lose all inhibitions. I moaned and screamed in climax and passed out in subtle sleep. He was not amused by my antics, apparently he wanted me to return a favour plus i snore when am drunk. To be honest, i should have told him that i suffer from S&L (selfishness and laziness)when am under the influence. We are still talking, i think he wants a re-run, however as my beer goggles are now off, there is no chance of that ever happening.

Anyway, i hope you are all staying out of trouble. Stay fabulous xxx

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Open your eyes

My last boyfriend cheated on me many times, most of which i never discovered until we broke up. Apparently miss goody two shoes here. aka me was wife material but obviously me and my mugu self was so blinded by love that i didn't see him sticking his member in every female he came across. I hope his dick falls off...ok that is mean, the man needs his dick, i hope it almost falls off lol!! I am not angry and bitter...i promise :). Anyway, why am i still throwing stones at this man, aah..he is my BIG MISTAKE that is why.

On today’s post. My very good gossip partner and best mate told me our very good mutual friend's husband is cheating on her. The infidel!! heheheh...always wanted to use that word in a non terrorist phrase... Ok, the infidel is banging their neighbour...wonders will never end. It’s so clichĂ©. You should see this neighbour...sweet looking woman like butter will not melt is her mouth but my goodness, the ass on that woman can balance a huge bowl of rice and soup with all the cutleries assembled on it. I asked "does she know?"..she said no. AAAHHHHHH see the panic that attacked my heart, i was like why are u telling me,? i have entered the "she knew my husband was cheating and didn't tell me" group. We both decided i don't know anything about this..i threatened to drown her if she ever mentions my name.

Why am i distancing myself from this drama..well, here are a few reasons

Husband is always being insultive towards her, even in front of us. No respect at all

She is always washing, cleaning, doting, running her life and his and gets nothing back

He calls her fat, and it upsets her. He knows it upsets her but still does it. Girlfriend is a size 14, she is not fat imo.

He is always working late, having drinks with friends, family meetings..the list goes on and on but when it comes to her all of a sudden he is too tired, too busy.

He has CHEATED before and she chose not to do anything about it. She found out and said she wanted to save her marriage.

This is just skimming the surface. I can go on all day.

She called me this morning, says she is feeling sad, i asked why and she said she doesn't know. I told her we will go to the spa this weekend to cheer her up, my treat..get her mind off things. Get massages and pedicures and whatever...she says he is desperate for her to be a size 10 ( i got mad at this but kept my cool, he is not my husband so i cannot knock his coconut head), she says he needs a holiday, she says he wants another kid, she said so many things. None of which are what she wants but want he wants. I listened. That’s all i can do. I don't want to give her the "wrong" advice. She seems to love this man for some reason.

I am not married, know nothing about what happens after the dancing in the hall and eating all the festive wedding food. I know nada about sharing a bed with a man everyday for the rest of your life. I really am in no position to judge. So i won't. But I’ve had boyfriends even just toasters who have treated me better, even my yeye small pikin brother treats his girlfriend better than my friend's husband does her. I just want to ask is it all worth it?

Ahh here comes the coffee man...god he is buff! I would like to tap that ass... grrr
Have a nice day peeps. Doug, this update is for you xxxxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 13 February 2009

Cupid the cute one

As we all know and have been vehemently reminded in every possible media, tomorrow is valentines. I am celebrating it in style this fact this years celebrations will be a lot merrier than last years because i was as miserable as you can imagine and i was in a so called relationship. Alas..those days are gone and i intend to enjoy my self by drinking plenty of mojitos and lots of chocolate. Me and my girls are going into town tomorrow night for a night out to remember. To all of you Happy Valentines day, whatever you do...have fun. No moping allowed.

I leave you with this, by the great woman herself...the one and only Maya Angelou

We, unaccustomed to courage
Exiles from delight
Live coiled in shells of loneliness
Until love leaves its high holy temple
And comes into our sight
To liberate us into life.

Love arrives
And in its train come ecstasies
Old memories of pleasure
Ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
Love strikes away the chains of fear
From our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
We dare be brave
And suddenly we see
That love costs all we are
And will ever be.
Yet it is only love
Which sets us free.

Monday, 9 February 2009

The Five Human Races

When i am bored, i do a lot of meaningless time wasting and trivial activities..i research facts, read a lot of "heat" magazine even though i know i am wasting time i will never get back but such is life sometimes. Today, i found something and all i can tell you is that i am shocked...i shouldn't be shocked but here i am eyes staring unbelievably at my computer screen.

I picked up the phone and called my oyimbo friend Jackie...poor her, i always feel the need to inform her of the injustice that “her” people did to “my” people, all in an educational way of course but she like any of my oyimbo friends just nod and make no comment....they learnt the hard way. One discussion with my South African oyimbo friend brought all of this to rest...she called Nelson Mandela a terrorist. I remember the very moment, my body language was to move so close to her that our eye lashes were touching and i uttered one word...what?? i felt the blood rushing to her cheeks, she went bright red and then pale. I then went on to educate her forcibly about the oppression that the apartheid brought. I dragged her to the library and conjured pictures off the one point, i thought she was going to cry, but i persisted, it was for her own good. If she uttered those words somewhere else..she could be airlifted by some ones fist, so really i was saving her.

Anyway, back to my conversation with Jackie...i found this article below and of course i had to show Jackie. She always the philanthropist and friend joined me in a tirade of disgust against the author, we even threatened to email the author but its Monday afternoon and even the awful office coffee is wearing off.

Here is the offending article

All of you have a great week. I had an awesome dream about me and Mr Will Smith last night so this week is going to be all fabulousness!! Peace out xx

Saturday, 31 January 2009

Singing in the rain..ok, just in the shower

Its saturday evening and nostalgia is loitering my thoughts. Have been playing this song( see below) on my ipod on repeat. I love miss keys...she is just awesome. This song just takes me back...all the silly things i did in the name of love. All the things he said and never did. His words to me were as heavy as the roots of an oak tree, meandering all over my heart. I loved him. Trusted him. If a man only has his words then he would be speechless...i stole this quote, always wanted to use it. Still have unanswered questions but its not everything that we can decipher, some things are better left unknown.

Falling in love is beautiful but falling out of love is heartwrenching, its like life stops and you walk in a vacuum. Its like walking on glass.

Time however is like grand never rushes you, it tends too your wounds, feeds you nice hot pepper soup, gives you cold fanta to drink on a hot day and lets you listen to all the love songs to your hands content. One day you wake fine day, unsuspectedly, you wake up to no more tears. That is when healing commences.

Miss keys echoes my thoughts very well

Sing along and belt it out, it sounds even better in the shower. See link below..i even gave you lyrics.

He broke my heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Monday, 26 January 2009

No two mondays are ever the same

Today i got the train to work with a very positive message ringing in my ear. I had just read a book about female empowerment and how to generally be a better homo sapien. All the ladies in the book are as hot as hot cakes and are earning loads of money and men are just falling at their feet..according to the book, one must exuberate a positive image, look sizzling hot, talk clearly and in a lady like raising voice at bus driver because the oyster card is broken and he's blaming you. The book is very good...i learnt a few things. I decided to give it a try. Perhaps this is why I am single…I concluded…where was this book all my life? It even had prayer pages…bonus points. So off i went this morning as bright as zillion carat diamond ring with my positive vibes. I smiled so widely at the bus driver he looked freaked out.

Even the sardine style tube ride didn’t damper my mood. I entered the was so packed i could hear 2 heart mine of course and the other belonged to a rather sweet looking Chinese woman, who for some reason was clutching her bag as if she will go into flight mode as soon as the tube doors opened. Anyway, i was in the middle of practicing my positive vibes when i felt a hand on my first i thought, girl stop imagining things. Then the hand cupped a cheek...i moved my hand to touch the hand assaulting me and held a wrist. Then i turned around. He tried to pull away, but ooh no...he started this shit and so he will finish it...i turn around and face him. His wrist between my fingers and me just an eyelash away from him.

Me: Having a good time?
Him: Am sorry. Its really tight in here, didn't mean it
Me: Oh really. It must be a medical condition then
Me: you cupped my ass..was that a mistake?
Him: *very quiet*

By now everyone in the carriageway is looking at us. The chinese woman has managed to move all the way down to the middle of the tube. How? ,i don't know. The chinese are a very talented race, i will leave it at that. My positive glow is visibly dimming now, am not happy. Smoke is coming from my ears…I am even scaring myself. I back off.

The tube doors open, he gets off, i get off and we both move towards the exit. As i walk on, really pissed ,someone grabs my arm. Its him.

Me: What do you want?
Him: Am really sorry,
Me: You’re a pervert
Him: Am sorry, it really was a mistake, i didn't do it on purpose
Me: I swear if you say that again i will bury my heels in your chest.…*i regret saying this immediately, this is breaking the being a lady rule*
Him: *Steps back*
Him: Sorry again miss but am not a pervert...carriage was just tight and i touched you accidentally

He looks so remorseful i feel like a complete bitch.

Me: worries
Him: ok..
Me: sorry about the high heel in the chest comment
Him: Its ok, actually very funny *he's smiling*
Him: Bye then, have a good day, *smiling really widely now*
Me: Bye *feel like Cruela the witch*

With that he walks off

I ended up feeling really bad about the whole thing... i mean maybe he didn't mean it..still trying to figure out how his fists wrappped around my ass. Told my male friend "J" about it and he almost spat his coffee out at me...he thinks its hilarious. He says perhaps the "incident" was a mistake. I don't know how?...he cupped my bum does someone accidentally cups another persons bum cheek by mistake? I mean stroke yes..maybe even an accidental slap...but a whole fistfull cupping.? If i went up to him and pulled his testicles and declared "mistake" who will believe me?

Oh well..that’s what happens when you walk around in london surrounded by positive vibes. Tomorrow morning i am back to my miserable old commuter mode with ipod in tow.

Thursday, 22 January 2009

When i lay at night...all these things come along

I went to bed last night thinking of a multitude of things and playing out scenes in my head. I do that a lot...roll out a whole theatre well rehearse play of a show spectacle. I dramatise it..some times i roll in a bit of old Shakespearean English to complete. I am much of a escaptionist, I hate confrontations unless they are in my head. So anyway, back to my thought. Its been almost one whole year no sex and my loins are really starting to burn a hole in my lacy pants ( i have a thing for nice underwear, buy a matching set every month, sometimes two or three). Ooh as i was saying, my loins need putting out and i can't just jump any hapless man like a hyena on heat, i might injure him or myself for that matter. Need to do something about it because its affecting my work. Yesterday while in a meeting with some colleagues about the risk assessment of some project of some sort, i really wasn't listening, went only because i was volunteered in my absence and there was a free cake trolley. While unashamedly stuffing my face with cream cakes i kept staring at all the men's crotches..bad form i know but no bulges in sight...conculsion..all the men in the risk assessment team have small willies..oh well, at least they get paid very well, i mean, imagine you being in possession of a tiny ornament called penis and you have no money to add insult to injury.

After work i went to the cinema on my own...the ticket girl..with lots of zits on her forehead kept giving me "i pity you smile" all through out. I decided to freak her out by staring at her without blinking, she soon dropped that stupid smile and wouldn't even look at me as i collected my tickets..i purposely let my hand go over hers for dramatic effect..she flinched. I did my joker laugh in my head and went to watch my movie.

Got home and watched gossip girl..god i hate myself for even typing this, i know..i watch that mind draining show..its like admitting to fancying Ozzy Osbourne but they wear such pretty dresses and i am a girl after all, we have been known to sell our bodies and souls for shoes and handbags. Lucifer doesn't even have to use sex to get us...a nice pair of patent killer jimmy shoes and Gucci hand bag..the bigger the better gets us in that train down town to the nice warmth of the underworld.

I got into bed naked under my sheet...not by choice, had no clean nightwear. Insomnia set in and i decided to call my brother in the states knowing fully well he was asleep. He picked up the phone and grunted at me to stop calling him at 3am in the morning. I told him i was pregnant and didn't know who the father was. I am not, i just wanted to wake him up. He went quiet for a few seconds and said "you're so fucked, mum will incinerate your ass"!! With him woken up, we spoke for 20 minutes about his girlfriend..the one he wants to get rid of but is too skurred!! coward. Actually i shouldn't be too hard on him..she is VERY scary, i met her last Christmas and she has this permanent eerie smile constantly..even when we watched gone with the wind...everyone cries after gone with the wind. Anyway his there he must sleep.

My brother stipulated...yep, that's the word he used..little shyte! He stipulated that i must get a man this year, as if they sell them on strings at reduced prices in sainsbury's. I told him to get off my case, he insisted..his word again...he can be a cock too, anyways he says i must address the issue or i will end up alone a spinster with my cats. I don't have cats, although i am thinking of getting one...i told him before i get a boyfriend i must get laid first, then i will be ready

He told me to get off his phone...i did but not before i told him that his girlfriend had emailed me wedding gown pictures!!! hahahahah.

So back to my initial midnight thoughts...what i was thinking of was how much i would love to have been cuddled right there and then. I fell asleep and woke up dreaming of being chased by cats the size of ponies. Go figure.